Space Services

I of Space Services

Urban Townes

Cogware Books (Dec 2025)

Tags:
scifi, dark humour, comedy

scifittt dark humourttt comedyttt

Jimmy works on a space freighter. His job usually involves piloting the ship through vast empty boring space. The company he works for have discovered a new plant that can generate usable energy. Jimmy and his crew are dispatched to retrieve as many of these Pando plants as they can. Everyone views this journey as a great adventure. But Jimmy soon comes to understand that boring is sometimes a lot better than exciting...

Table of Contents

Space Services

Log 1: Introductions…I guess.

Log 2: Curly’s speech, looking for planets and generally just wasting our time

Log 3: The one time Ned became so idiotic he stuck his hand in a monster’s mouth

Log 4: The day Curly survived the reactor blowing up but ended up looking like fried chicken

Log 5: With great power comes a stupid amount of responsibilities

Log 6: The day my crew tried to mutinize against me

Log 7: Mr. Carling, They're bullying me

Log 8: The moment in my day when everything went right

Log 9: I took it, Brew!

Log 10: He likes me, I like him and now I can't concentrate

Log 11: I guess it's my turn to write now, is it?

Log 12: My life in a Medbay

Log 13: Performing Curly's get well soon show even though I should be watching my programs

Log 14: Curly retakes his first steps

Log 15: Pony Express’ first annual planetary road trip

Log 16: Trying to squeeze information out of Phineas

Log 17: Chatting to my girlfriend about Pando

Log 18: The distraction that started my mission

Log 19: Crawling through a lethal vent

Log 20: The moment in my day when everything went wrong

Log 21: One small step for man, one giant leap to get us out of this mess

Log 22: Inner peace

Space Services

I of Space Services

Urban Townes

Cogware Books (Dec 2025)

Tags: scifi, dark humour, comedy

scifittt dark humourttt comedyttt

Jimmy works on a space freighter. His job usually involves piloting the ship through vast empty boring space. The company he works for have discovered a new plant that can generate usable energy. Jimmy and his crew are dispatched to retrieve as many of these Pando plants as they can. Everyone views this journey as a great adventure. But Jimmy soon comes to understand that boring is sometimes a lot better than exciting...

Log 1: Introductions…I guess.

Hello, Guess you found my book. I should say the heavily clichéd line “If you’re reading this, I'm dead.” Too bad I'm not. It would be much better than what I'm having to go through.

You're probably thinking, “This is the main protagonist? I thought the protagonists were young, plucky, and lively! Not this depressed, bitter loser!” Have you read Clockwork Orange? Yeah, the main protag isn't that great either.

I'm getting off topic, I better introduce myself to spare you the details. I'm James. James Marlo. But I guess we're friends now. So call me Jimmy.

The reason why I'm writing this is because I was “volunteered” to be involved in an expedition to find some electric plants discovered by scientists. They said it would be the “greatest journey of a lifetime!”

Greatest journey of a lifetime my ass, now I'm stuck having to pilot around a bunch of idiots.

Let me list the rogue’s gallery, shall I?

Captain Orion Carling. Or as we call him “Curly.” The coolest, hottest, most perfect member of the whole crew. Those beautiful eyes, that infuriatingly handsome smile, that perfect golden head of hair. Oh, how I longed to forcibly disfigure him with my signature knuckle sandwich.

“Jimmy, I can hear you, you know!” cried Curly, from down the corridor.

That's another thing that's so annoying about Curly, he always knows when I'm speaking out loud.

Moving on, we have Bradley, the Navigator. That patriotic lunatic. Always carrying flags of our company screaming about how it's so good, our saviour and all that nonsense. I've seen what the company is really like and it's not what he thinks it is.

General Cleveland Winchester, head of the ship’s security force. He still thinks it's the army days. He barks orders at me, and he's not even the captain! I should be able to take my break and watch some trashy soap operas without getting yelled at, thank you very much.

Ned, chief of the cargo crew. He's a complete slob. Why be a member of a team that involves movement  if you can't be bothered to move at all?! All he does is smoke and eat our rations. We need it too, you ass! He positively disgusts me.

Phineas, head scientist, he is such a showoff. He claims to be this great scientist who does all these great things while we all know that he faked his degree by bribing the interviewer! Trust me, no one likes a quack.

Swansea, engineer, he’s a gruff, hotheaded, boomer. He always snaps at me when I get his occupation wrong. A mechanic and an engineer are the same thing dude! Don't yell at me! Well, as the old saying goes, pride comes before a fall.

Daisuke, the youngest on this ship. He joined this company at the last minute, so we don't really know what to do with him, so he just kinda skims between jobs here and there, I don't mind him too much. Sure, his unnatural optimism grinds my gears but he's still a kid! Can't be too hard on him.

And finally, Anya, nurse on this ship. Ah…Anya. Believe it or not I actually like Anya. You're all like “What? This guy likes people? I thought he was an unfeeling jerk who deserves to die alone!”

 First of all, if you think that, screw you. Second of all, I can like people. I just choose not to. Anya, I don't know how to describe Anya. She's as shy as anything, but for some reason it doesn't anger me. There's something about her that just makes me just stop what I'm doing and just stare. I'm not sure she takes much notice of me. After all, I'm just a grumpy man with the attention span of a McDonald's employee, but when she enters the room, she makes me feel like the world isn't full of garbage and needs to be set on fire like a Molotov cocktail, like I originally thought. She makes me feel like the world feels good, pure, whole…but I don't know I don't get people, I don't even get myself.

Now that you've met the crew, I better tell you the story. I can practically see you packing your suitcases and moving to your next book, well hold your horses! This story is about to begin…

In the next chapter.

Log 2: Curly’s speech, looking for planets and generally just wasting our time

Alright, you've made it this far. It's time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Da dadadada dum, dadadada dum dadadada duuuum!

The story you’ve actually wanted.

So anyway, I was just sitting in the cockpit driving the ship and trying to resist the urges to crash it into an asteroid and watching “Hidden Springs" , a soap opera I like, on the ship's TV.

"But Johnny, I love you…" said the actress playing Demitira, one of the characters.

“Don't listen to her for a second, Johnny!" I yelled at the TV "All she's doing is using you to make her ex husband jealous!”

"Bingeing Hidden Springs again, Jimmy?" asked Curly, entering the room.

"How do you know I'm watching Hidden Springs, Curly?" I asked, “I could be watching something completely different."

"I know what you are like, Jimmy,” said Curly. “Whenever I'm walking down the corridor and I hear the words "Noooooo! You were right there you flake!” that's when I know you're watching Hidden Springs again."

Damn it, he knows me too well.

“Now, come on." encouraged Curly "We have a meeting with the crew.”

"Nooo!” I wined "I wanna watch Hidden Springs! I need to find out if Johnny says yes or not!”

"You can do it later,” said Curly. "Now go.”

I pressed the button to turn the ship onto auto pilot and slumped out of my seat and walked after Curly.

"Someone took his time.” murmured Swansea, his comb over bobbing up and down as he spoke.

“That someone was watching Hidden Springs." replied Curly.

I grumbled my reply.

"Hey there, Greg Heffley!" chirped Daisuke, walking to meet us “How are you doing, brew?"

"I was doing alright, until someone…” I began.

“Okay, I think we get the jist." growled Swansea “You were interrupting watching your favourite show and now you're peeved about it.”

"Pretty much sums it up.” I muttered.

"Gee, that sucks, dude.” said Daisuke, comfortingly, "But I think a good trip to a planet will make you feel better!”

He’s wrong. I feel nothing. I'm dead inside.

The door opened and the medical team walked through and there she was. With her raven black wolf cut hair, that pink white and green turtleneck inside her uniform, those glimmering green eyes, she's an angel.

“Erm…Hi Jimmy!” stammered Anya.

"hI AnYa!” I squeaked with a voice crack that would be enough to embarrass the whole school choir. I cleared my throat "Hey.” I said more smoothly.

"Are you okay?” she asked.

"Well…” I said, then stopped.

Say something. For the love of god, say something! It doesn't even have to be charismatic, please mind let me talk!

What came next was a series of things I had planned to say puke out as an unpronounceable abomination.

“Good to know." remarked Anya, before walking away.

“Wow," said Ned, leaning on a wall "well done, Mr Incel.”

"Shut up.” I muttered.

"Alright gals and fellas." began Curly “we have been a plucky and resilient crew here on the Tulpar."

I rolled my eyes at that comment.

"Even if some employees don't like our working conditions…”

Don't look at me asshole!

"We are still a great asset to the Pony Express.”

Yeah, just take out the word “set” and replace it with the word "holes”

"We shall sally forth and travel to different planets to obtain our goal. Pando.”

That's the name of the plant in case you were wondering what he's on about. A lot of us think that.

"I, Captain Orion Carling, shall lead you on because I am the world's most boring Gary Sue to ever put on paper and Jimmy will probably be a better captain than me, all hail Jimmy, all hail Jimmy!”

Okay, he didn't say that last part but I stopped listening.

“We shall work, we shall thrive, we shall kill any monsters that stand in our way!"

I moved my hand like a mouth in time to what Curly was saying.

“If a monster does kill us, we shall never surrender!”

Okay, Winston Churchill.

“They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!”

Great, now he's quoting Braveheart. Now we know he's deranged if he's quoting Mel Gibson.

“Let's hunt for plants!” finished Curly.

“I have a better idea,” I suggested. “Let's all stay on the Tulpar and watch Hidden Springs.”

“I’ll make you the captain if you go.” said Curly.

“I accept your bribe, let's hunt for plants.” I replied.

“So who do you want to take with you, Captain Jimmy?" asked Curly.

“Anya." I said, immediately.

"Are you sure?” asked Curly "She is a medic…"

“I'm sure." I said “I'll take Anya."

"Well, thanks Jimmy.” thanked Anya.

“You shall go far, James!" screamed Bradley “For the company!"

“I think it's best we bring Bradley." suggested Anya.

“Are you sure?" I asked.

“Well, If we do get attacked by lifeforms on that planet who’d you think you'll want to sacrifice?"

"We'll take Bradley.” I said. "And Ned.”

"I knew you'd pick me.” gloated Ned "I'm the most sexiest member of this crew, I'm the alpha male, I’m-”

"Okay, dumbass, we get it." I snapped “Your idol is Andrew Tate, stop rubbing it in our faces."

"Hey brew! Can I come too?“ asked Daisuke.

“Sure." I said.

“Okay, that should be all, but we need to take two members of the security force just in case." explained Anya.

“Men! Come forth!" yelled Winchester, to his crew. “Find the Pando and come back alive!”

“Sir, yes sir!” replied the armoured men.

Suddenly the TV that was on the wall buzzed into life and what appeared was… oh no. That thing . That little cartoon horse with those gloves,the yellow uniform and that poop eating grin, it was…

“Huh- huh- hello there, employees! It's me! Polle the Pony!”

Polle the pony. Pony Express’ precious little corporate symbol.

“Now I want all of you to say "Hello Polle!” Ready?"

All of the crew except me obeyed the pony’s command. Seriously, we're grown-ass adults and he's treating us like children.

“Jimmy, you didn't say hello, did you?” demanded Polle.

"I don't need to." I growled.

Polle’s expression darkened.

“Jimmy, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. If you don't say hello to me, I can go to Mr. Rothschild and I'll whisper into his ear about your behaviour and he’ll open the airlock and whisk you out of the ship never to be seen again and away from your. Little. Anya ... That's right Jimmy. I know everything . So, do I need to repeat myself, Jimmy ? Just say “Hello Polle!"

“Hello Polle…" I said through gritted teeth.

“Lovely…" hissed Polle. "Anyway,” he reverted back to his normal happy go lucky tone “I hear you’re all going to a new planet! Isn't that exciting? I hope you all find the pando Mr Roth- the world needs! Just to let you know, there are monsters on the planet, so try not to get your limbs bitten off! (Pony Express™ will not be held responsible for any injuries, mutilation or death) But most importantly, have fun!”

Polle's stupid face left.

“I hate that thing." whispered Curly.

“Same." Swansea murmured back.

Polle's eye filled the TV screen.

“Gah!” screamed Swansea "We're working, damn it!”

"Alright, I think I must be going now.” I said “Pando can't wait, I guess.”

“For the company!” cried Bradley, running to the airlock.

“He's going to get himself killed, Jimmy,” said Anya.

“I know.” I replied.

Log 3: The one time Ned became so idiotic he stuck his hand in a monster’s mouth

Me and my crew stood in the airlock, waiting for the ship to land, it was boring as hell.

“I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S.” said Daisuke.

"Space?” I groaned.

"How’d you know, brew?” asked Daisuke.

"Lucky freaking guess.” I growled.

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with A.” continued Daisuke.

"Airlock?” I suggested.

"Wow, right again, brew!" exclaimed Daisuke “I spy-"

The ship landed and the airlock opened.

“Oh, thank god.” I muttered.

We put on our spacesuits and we left the ship.

“The surface seems bouncy…” I analysed “No sign of any Pando or monsters but it does look like somewhere you can just take a break and vape."

“Jimmy, be serious!" yelled Ned from off in the distance.

“Your mum's serious!" I yelled back.

"Well your mum must not have raised you right!” hollered back Ned.

"Too far, git!" I called.

“Okay, guys," said Daisuke “Stop blaming each other's mums and help me look for Pando!”

As I led my crew I spotted a green plant on the ground.

“Bingo." I murmured.

I bent down and heard a growl behind me.

“There's a monster behind me, isn't there?" I asked to no-one in particular.

"Yep.” said Anya "And it looks hungry.”

I slowly turned around and saw the hungry creature that was behind me. Its head was a large gaping mouth with sharp teeth, its long rustic red body had four legs like a mammal, a tail that swished ominously and it was as tall as an elephant.

“Dude, the creature has no eyes." said Daisuke “If we're quiet enough, maybe we can pass it."

Ned came running up the path.

"Shhh!” I hissed.

"WHAT?!” hollered Ned "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M WEARING A HELMET!”

"Ned, you're going to get us killed.” I whispered.

Ned took out a thermos and began drinking obnoxiously loudly.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!” I screamed, before covering my mouth.

The creature turned to look at us.

“Ummmm…nice monster?” I asked.

“RUN!!!!!!!" yelled Daisuke.

All of us began to sprint off to the ship, the monster hot on our tail.

I began rummaging in my backpack and took out…

“Jimmy, why do you have a gun in your bag?" asked Anya.

“For times like this." I replied.

I immediately began firing at the eyeless monster.

“Bang! Bang! Bang!" I yelled, in time with my shots.

The monster collapsed to the floor.

“Ha! Not so tough now, eh freak?" taunted Ned.

He then did the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my history of being in this god forsaken company. He put his freaking hand  in its open mouth!

“Take it out…” I spat "take it out.”

"No, it's not going to harm me!” replied Ned.

"Then why is it waking the hell up?!” I cried.

The creature bit down on Ned’s hand, hard.

"Owww!” cried Ned "How did this happen?”

"Gee, I don't know,” I replied sarcastically "I wasn't the knob head who put his hand in a monster’s open mouth !”

"We have to get it out of there!” cried Anya.

"You know what,” I suggested, "at this point just let him die.”

Ned began to wrench his hand to try to get it out the monster's mouth.

“Continue if you don't want both your hands by the end of this.” I said, passive aggressively.

Anya grabbed a taser and injected it into the monster's side, The creature screeched into the night sky.

“Yes, queen!” I yelled “Kill that thing!”

The monster slumped to the floor, it’s dead for real now, don't worry about it.

“Nice!” I complemented.

“Thanks,” said Anya “What do we do with the beast?”

“Take it on board.” I replied “we are running low on rations.”

After killing the beast and collecting the Pando that we needed we returned back to the ship.

“We’re back!” I announced “And we brought dinner!”

I placed the dead alien on the table.

“I'll get the fire axe.” sighed Swansea.

“You seriously think we're going to eat…that?” asked Curly.

“Number 1 in the history books, first vegan in space!” I teased.

“Oi,” said Curly, blushing, “don't be mean.”

“It's either this or beans again.” I explained.

“Alright, we’ll eat the alien.” said Curly, “Only because I'm sick of beans.”

“I'm back with the fire axe.” groaned Swansea, he then used the axe.

The creature roared.

“Anya, I thought you killed it.” I muttered.

“I thought I did. Apparently we're trapped in here with a eyeless creature.”

“Oh no,” growled Swansea “we're not trapped in here with the creature. The creature’s trapped in here with me .”

Swansea began hacking at the creature like he was an elderly Jack Torrance, a green substance spraying the walls.

With one final screech the creature finally died. It's not going to come back to life because I'm writing this entry after I just ate it, it tastes like chicken, mmm. Yummy.

Swansea stood in his place, panting like badasses do in movies after they beat the hell out of something.

“Thank me later.” breathed Swansea, before walking off.

“Anyway,” said Curly, ignoring what just happened, “I think we all need to relax. Besides, what other emergency would occur right now?”

“WARNING, REACTOR MELTDOWN IN 60 SECONDS.” announced a voice from the speaker wall “GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND FIX IT ALREADY.”

You can tell I recorded those lines.

“You just had to jinx it, didn't you?” I growled.

“Oops.” said Curly “Everyone to the reactor room!”

Log 4: The day Curly survived the reactor blowing up but ended up looking like fried chicken

We sprinted down the corridor, the sirens blaring in our ears.

We entered the reactor room. As expected, the claws that were holding the ball of light which powered the reactor had moved.

“No big deal," reassured Curly "I just need to scan my handprint and we're good to go!”

Curly entered the room and scanned his hand.

“ACCESS DENIED." said the mechanical voice inside the reactor.

Curly frowned and tried to scan his hand again.

“ACCESS DENIED." the voice repeated.

“What's going on?" asked Curly “This usually works."

“Curly," I shouted over the sirens “Just let it blow up! If you are in there, you are going to kill yourself!"

"Jimmy,” yelled Curly "I'm the captain, I know what I'm doing! Just let me fix this!”

"Okay!” I hollered "but if you accidentally commit suicide don't come crying to me!”

The blue ball of light began to fade to red.

“Listen to Jimmy, Curly!" bellowed Anya “Get out of there!"

“I don't want to clean up after you!" screamed Swansea.

“I've read comic books, brew!" Shouted Daisuke “and exploding is not fun!"

The red ball turned orange.

"GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!”  I screamed.

“I can't give up!" Curly cried "I must save my crew!”

"What about saving yourself?!” Bellowed Swansea.

The ball turned purple.

"EVERYBODY OUT!!!!” I shrieked.

Everyone ran as fast as they could.

"Don't go! I'm almost there!” howled Curly "I'm almost the-”

The reactor exploded.

Smoke flew out of the now broken door. I stood there just looking at the remains of the reactor.

“Did…did I do it..?” asked a wheezy voice from the floor.

I looked down and noticed a horrifying figure.

His skin was red, wrinkled and burnt, his eyelids were missing, his golden hair was in strands, his clothes were torn and his teeth seemed more visible than before.

“C-Curly?" I whispered.

“Holy crap." whispered Anya “He's unrecognisable."

“Dude, I think I'm gonna puke." whispered Daisuke.

"Guys…why are you staring at me like that…?” asked Curly.

“Your face…” murmured Swansea. “It's…it's…”

The TV turned on and his face appeared.

“Well, my dear employees.” Said Polle "it appears you guys have got yourself in a bit of a pickle. Oh well! What's more important than a reactor is corporate-"

“Look what you did, you equestrian asshole!" I yelled at the TV.

"Excuse me?” demanded Polle.

"Your faulty reactor turned our captain into a piece of burnt toast!"

"That isn't my problem, friend!” said Polle "If you just kept an eye on your reactor, none of this (bleep) would have happened! Also I'm just a cute cuddly horsey! How could I be at fault? So, no Jimmy. Curly isn't my problem, it's your problem! See ya!”

The TV turned off.

“Well, great.” I said “Now, we have Kentucky Fried Curly on our hands.”

“How are you feeling, Curly?” asked Anya.

“I think my toes just fell off.” Curly stated. “Can't feel my feet, can't feel my legs, I can't even feel my face!”

“Don't worry, my brave little piece of beef jerky,” said Daisuke “We’ll take you to the medbay.”

“I’ll carry you.” I muttered, I picked up the talking piece of bacon and rested him in my arms.

“God, you're heavy…” I groaned “Come on, let's go.”

While I was carrying Curly to the medbay, a thought came to mind.

Oh, I'm the captain.

Oh, I'm the captain.

Log 5: With great power comes a stupid amount of responsibilities

Well, that was a grim description, wasn't it? I bet you're all really happy for my new occupation. You're all like “Yay! Jimmy was talking about becoming the captain throughout the past few chapters, he must be so happy!"

I'm not. The job sucks.

Not only do you have to deal with these morons, you also have to try and keep them under control. Which in itself is really difficult! Also, you're not even allowed to go on missions! Meaning I can't see her … I can't say it. It's going to set me off and I don't want to cry today.

Anyway, I made my way to the Medbay, holding the bottle of Curly’s painkillers in my hand.

I slowly opened the door, and walked inside.

“You alright?" I asked like a concerned parent.

“I've been better." Curly said.

"How's your…you know?” I asked.

"My skin?” replied Curly "For starters, I've got my eyelids back, but when I blink they feel like knives.”

"Yeah, they would hurt if they were almost burnt to a crisp.” I said.

Curly chuckled then coughed in his blood bucket.

“Anyway, I've got your painkillers.” I said, changing the subject.

"Open my jaw for me, would you?" asked Curly.

I opened Curly's mouth and threw the pills down his throat. I lightly pinched his gullet so he could swallow.

“How's my job treating you?" asked Curly.

“I can see why you always suffered in silence." I replied, “Your job is hard."

Curly just said the words “Ha ha ha" so that he couldn't cough up blood again.

“I knew you couldn't handle being me,"  he remarked. "Too much responsibility.”

"Yeah,” I said, "I wonder if I'll ever talk to Anya again. She's always so busy with her job.”

"Jimmy and Anya sitting in a tree.” Curly weezed.

“Stop that." I chucked.

“K.I.S.S.I.N.G." Curly continued.

"Glad to see your sense of humour didn't get blown up.” I joked.

"Yep, it's the one thing that’s keeping me from falling into complete nihilism." Curly said.

"I'll leave you to rest, is that alright?” I asked.

"Yeah. Later." said Curly before falling asleep with his eyes open.

I walked back into the pilot’s room and slumped down in my seat.

“Poor guy." I sighed “I feel really sorry for that poor man."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ned shiftily walking towards the Medbay. I wanted to know what that sketchy idiot was up to, so I followed him.

Once Ned entered the room he immediately began fiddling with Curly's heart monitor.

“Oi!” I yelled across the room “What the hell do you think you're doing?”

“My phone battery is dying so, I decided to take a plug from his heart monitor to plug it in!” He said, sarcastically “I'm trying to unplug him, what do you think?”

“Why?” I asked “He’s done nothing to you!”

“Exactly!” said Ned “He’s done nothing for this crew! He's too nice, and now that he's blown himself up and turned himself into a baked potato he's become more of a burden!”

“He's not a burden…” I growled.

“He is!” yelled Ned “As a lucky twist of fate, our captains are either a pushover or an asshole. You don't deserve that title!”

My shaking hand clenched.

“So, just to tick at least one thing off my to-do list, I'm getting rid of the overcooked chicken nugget. To be honest, I don't think anyone would miss someone as spineless as he was, he would do the world a favour if he just died already!”

I forcibly disfigured Ned with my signature knuckle sandwich, I knocked him to the floor, kicked him a few times and took out my Taser and used it on his right-where-it-counts.

“Keep Curly’s name out of your damn mouth,” I hissed, “think about who’re you talking to, git.”

I spat near his feet, gave him the finger and walked out.

I went to my room, opened a cupboard and downed a bottle of cider.

Log 6: The day my crew tried to mutinize against me

I woke up on my desk with a splitting headache, I had no recollection of the night before but I feel like I did something.

“Hey brew!” yelled Daisuke “You were wild last night!”

I winced, clutching my head in my hand.

“What happened?” I groaned “What did I do?”

“It was awesome!” Said Daisuke “You made this big speech about us all being jerks and that we should switch our mouths with our butts because we seem more comfortable speaking out of it! Then after that you threw the mic at Ned’s head and vomited on a Polle Statue!”

Wow, all of that happened in a single night?

“Then Swansea had to, like, carry you back to your room like you were a piece of meat!” finished Daisuke.

This is humbling.

“How's the rest of the crew?” I asked, changing the subject.

Daisuke turned pale.

“Daisuke?” I asked.

“I think you better see for yourself.” Daisuke squeaked.

I slowly opened the door and saw a whole collection of angry crew members screaming the words “Jimmy's a disgrace, send him to space!” Over and over again. At the front of the crowd was…Ned. He had a black eye, a bump on his head and an ice pack clutched at his groin.

“There he is!” Yelled Ned “There's the scumbag who assaulted me!”

“Ned, I have a massive hangover.” I groaned “I don't have time for this.”

“No captain should ever have the right to hit another crew member!” bellowed Ned, completely ignoring me “No captain should drink or throw up on our mascot! He's no captain! He's an irredeemable monster!”

When he said those words, I felt it. I treated everyone like garbage and this was the thanks I got. I was mean to Curly, and now he's a  broken shell of his former self, I hurt everything I touch. Maybe I am a monster. I wanted to lay down and cry, but I couldn't. Not in front of a bully like Ned.

“What's wrong Jimmy?” Ned retorted “No snide comment? No punch to my face? No Taser to my penis? Nothing? Go on, say something!”

I pushed past Ned and all the people who wronged me and went into the airlock. I went to the corner, curled myself into a ball and balled my eyes out.

“What a baby!” laughed Ned, pointing at me.

“Enough!” growled Swansea, “What's wrong with you people?”

“He deserves this.” drawled Ned.

“He deserves none of this!” yelled Swansea “He’s struggling to keep this whole ship under control, he doesn't want pricks like you interfering!”

“You're calling me the prick?” argued Ned “What about Jimmy? He's been a jerk to all of us!”

“Well at least he has a heart!” retorted Anya “unlike you!”

“Yeah! Jerk!” agreed Daisuke.

The three of them walked away to the airlock.

“Fine! I don't need you!” yelled Ned “You're all wusses! I don't need that in my Nedrian empire!”

Anya opened the door.

“Hey, Jimmy.” she said “Are you okay?”

“Go away.” I sobbed “You probably hate me anyway.”

“That's stupid, Brew.” said Daisuke “If you listen to a person like Ned, that's not very smart.”

“Daisuke doesn't hate you,” explained Swansea “Anya doesn't hate you, I don't hate you, well you do annoy me when you get my job wrong, but most importantly, Curly doesn't hate you.”

“Yeah, but everyone else does!” I bawled.

“Shh…” comforted Anya, hugging me, “It's okay. Let it all out.”

“We won't let Ned hurt you, my man.” Daisuke explained.

“If he does, we’ll kick his ass.” Said Swansea.

While all three of them were hugging me, at this moment, I smiled. and not the smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes, a proper one.

This was nice.

Log 7: Mr. Carling, They're bullying me

After I calmed down from the airlock incident, I walked over to the Medbay, and opened the door.

“Curly, I want you to get rid of Ned." I said.

“Ned?" asked Curly “What's he done?"

“He's leading his own rebellion against me!" I explained.

“Well that's not ideal, but…" began Curly.

"And he tried to kill you in your sleep!” I finished.

A look appeared in Curly’s eyes not a look of anger, just a look of…disappointment, betrayal.

“Oh." He said, a forlorn tone in his voice “And to think my crew liked me."

“So what are going to do about him?" I asked.

“I don't want to live on this planet anymore." sighed Curly.

“Yeah!" I exclaimed “wait, what?"

“Look at me." Curly explained “I'm a talking corpse. My skin is burnt, I can't walk, I can't close my eyes, I can't breathe and I have to be fed manually . I should have just died  in the reactor, but God gave me a second chance but not like this! This isn't life. It's death in disguise! Every waking moment is the itching, and the Medbay, and the pain!  So. Much. Pain …”

“Well, your skin is growing back.” I pointed out.

"AND HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE, JIMMY?!” Curly screamed "It's taking too long! I want this all to end! If Ned couldn't do it, then maybe you should."

"Curly, I can't.” I whispered.

"Why, God?!” Curly screamed at the heavens "Why won't you just let me die?!”

I hate seeing Curly like this, but I remember one way of calming Curly down.

“ Making your way in the world today takes everything you got." I sang.

“What are you doing?" asked Curly.

“ Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.” I continued.

“Whatever you're doing isn't going to help." Curly snarled.

“ Wouldn't you like to get away?" I sang.

"Why are you singing?” asked Curly.

" All of those nights when you got no lights, the check is in the mail.”  I carried on.

"Wait, I'm starting to get what you're doing. “  Curly realised.

“ And your little angel hung that cat up by its tail.”

"I…I love this song." said Curly.

“ And your third fiancee… " I began.

“ Didn't show." completed Curly.

" Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name!” We both sang "And they're always glad you came!"

“ You want to be where you can see…"   I began.

" Our troubles are all the same. ” finished Curly.

" You want to be where everybody knows your name!” We both finished.

"Thanks…" wheezed Curly. “Shall we deal with the Ned problem?"

“Sure, Curly." I replied.

Curly took a look at my face.

“Your eyes are red, have you been crying?"

"Long story.” I explained.

Log 8: The moment in my day when everything went right

I walked down the corridor and noticed a terrible sight.

Ned and his crew were surrounding Daisuke, a mean expression on their faces.

“What the hell did I do to you, brew?" asked Daisuke.

“You're on our turf, kid. And you aren't a member of my Nedrian empire." sneered Ned.

“Is this all because I'm half Japanese, brew?" Daisuke demanded, “Because if it is, that's just straight up racist."

Daisuke was knocked to the floor.

"Kick him! Kick him! Kick him!” chanted Ned’s goons.

"Don't do this to me, min.” Daisuke pleaded.

“What's going on?" I demanded.

“Daisuke was on our turf." Ned explained.

“I was minding my own business, until you decided it would be a good idea to dog pile me!" retorted Daisuke.

"He's on our turf and you're now too." Ned hissed.

I slowly began to back away, Ned and his gang heading towards me.

“I'm your captain, back away.” I growled.

"Make me.” Ned snarled.

A wheezy "ahem.” came from behind Ned, turning around he saw a burnt figure sitting in a wheelchair giving him the coldest stare I've ever seen.

"Hello, friend. " spat Curly.

Whenever Curly says “friend" like that, you know things are going to get serious.

"Curly!" Cried Ned “I've done a lot of great things for the ship, you should be proud of me!"

“No, I'm not." Curly growled “You tried to kill me, you tried to rebel against your captain. You're a disgrace to the crew and you're a disgrace to this company."

“I didn't mean it-" reasoned Ned.

“I can tell when you're lying to me." said Curly “And I don't like liars. You're fired. Your job will be given to Daisuke."

Ned looked like he had just been given a slap to the face, Daisuke just looked shocked.

“What?!" yelled Ned “you can't do this to me! You can't give this job to him! He's Asia- a kid!"

"Get out.” snarled Curly "I don't want to see you again.”

"Bye!” I cried "Have fun outside the ship!”

Ned put his space suit on, attached the extension cord and jumped out the airlock.

All the crew cheered and raised Curly onto their shoulders.

"For he’s a jolly good burnt man!” they sang "For he’s a jolly good burnt man, for he's a jolly good burnt man! So say all of us!”

“Thank god he's gone." I said.

“Jimmy?" asked Anya “Can I talk to you for a moment, in private?"

"Sure.” I replied.

Me and Anya made our way to the pilot’s quarters, she sat down in Curly's seat.

“Jimmy, you aren't what I thought you'd be." Anya explained.

“Elaborate." I said.

“Well, I haven't had a good experience with men in my life." Anya elaborated. "The men I've met up with have pretended to be nice to me so I'd date them, but when we're deep in our relationship, they reveal themselves to be lecherous creeps who only wanted me for my body. That's why I moved to space. So they wouldn't torment me anymore.”

"Anya, no one deserves this. People like that are the scum of the earth. No one should treat anyone like that. They should be sent to… I don't know , a desert island!” I said.

"An island for bad men.” Anya replied. "An dangerous island so they would suffer for the way they treated me!”

We both laughed.

“Anyway," said Anya, “you started off like a guy I would never be into, but the way you were around Curly when he was at his lowest. You might be a guy I would kinda be into.”

At this point, I was sweating bullets. She liked me?! I thought I would do some big edgy rejection quote like “You shouldn’t date some grump like me” but-but this? What should I do?

“Really?” I stammered “I-I always had a bit of a pash for you, sure, but-but I never realised that you had a crush on me! I mean, me! The grumpy one! The miserable one! The-”

“Jimmy?” asked Anya.

My ears pricked up. “Yeah?” I asked.

“Please, shut up and kiss me already.” said Anya “It’s your one shot, take it.”

“Well, I-” I began.

Anya put her arms around my neck and…Okay, you’ve all watched Rom-Coms right? You already know what’s about to happen, and to those who don’t, let’s just say it’s the Rom in Com.

After we separated, I could feel myself shivering.

“How was that?” asked Anya.

Short incomprehensible noises were the only words that came out of my mouth.

“So, are we, you know, a thing now?” questioned Anya.

“Yeah.” I muttered.

“Thank you.” she said, before walking out of the room.

 I leant back in my chair contemplating what just happened, Ned got fired. Anya kissed me. Curly got a backbone. Daisuke got an actual job.

“This is a dream…” I muttered “This-This can’t be real.”

Log 9: I took it, Brew!

What's up, fam? It's me! Daisuke Yoshida! You're probably wondering what happened to Jimmy, your previous narrator, well…I stole his book while he was sleeping! :) After getting seriously hurt while trying to bypass the book’s security system (seriously whoever has that is delulu as hell) I'm going to tell you my side of this radical expedition!

So, before I went to space, I was a college slacker. I would find any opportunity to laze around in my class.

I thought I was living the dream, until my mum had other plans. She said if I didn't get a job, she'd cut me off from my bank account.

So I decided I was going to troll my mum by telling her I was going to space, so I went to The Pony Express website and pretended to write an application…until I sent it. So next thing I know I'm in the back of car and then I'm in a ship. So they didn't really know what to do with me, until House IRL suggested some jobs for me to do.

“Picture this." Said House IRL “The greatest occupation in the world…the ship’s professional toilet cleaner!”

"Jimmy!” yelled Big Boss man "He's a kid, be nice!”

"What?” complained House IRL"It suits him!"

“Jimmy," said Angsty Giwl "Give him a chance.”

House IRL blushed, and I mean a lot, I thought his head was gonna explode!

"Sure, Anya.” murmured House IRL  "We’ll give him a chance.”

"That's good and all.” Said Ol’ Crankypants  “But what do we do with him?"

“I don't know!" yelled House IRL “Just send him to every job! See what he’s good at!"

“Great idea, Jimbo." Sneered Jerkface Mcjerklout.

“Shut up, Ned!" screamed House IRL.

"Can everyone just get along for once?!” yelled Big Boss Man.

“Okay," said House IRL “I'm going to go into my room and rant into my diary! Decide what you're going to do with the kid!"

And that was how I ended up on the Tulpar. Started off as a last minute intern and now I'm chief of the cargo crew. I gotta say, huge leap, brew.

Although, every time I'm by myself. I just kinda think to myself, how is my mum doing? How is all my friends doing?.. without me? It's strange. I've been in space so long I don't know what my own home looks like anymore. Anyway once we get back home, my mum will be so surprised…might not even recognise me anymore. Like me. I don't know what my past life looked like anymore.

But that doesn't matter! I've got Jimmy's book! Just imagine what he’ll be like when he discovers it's missing! He's going to flip! Best prank ever, brew.

But I suppose I better give it to the others. This is Daisuke Yoshida signing off.

Log 10: He likes me, I like him and now I can't concentrate

H-hey. Um…Okay. How do I begin this? I'm Anya, Anya Turning. I think you know a lot about me now. Since Jimmy wrote about me, Okay. This is going nowhere. Um…you already know why I'm here. Rather not say it again. So I'll just explain after the time Jimmy and I…well…kissed.

So. I was sitting in my office thinking about how me and my team were going to repair Curly, the Pando still on the planets, why Pony Express wasn't taking any responsibility for Curly's injuries and Jimmy with his shirt off- Gah! Where did that come from? Focus on the important things, Anya. Like bills, Curly's burnt body, the pill we’re trying to make for Curly's skin to grow back and Jimmy's smooth chest…

Great! Now I'm sexual! Bad brain! Bad brain! Why do I always do this?

“Because you're horny." Said my inner voice, answering my question.

“Are you okay, Anya?" asked Marcus, one of my colleagues. "Because there's a big pile of drool on your desk."

I looked down and noticed the small lake of drool on my desk.

“Th-that?" I asked "I-it’s nothing! It's not drool, I just spilled my drink!”

"You don't have a drink.” said Marcus.

Oh hell! Oh…hell! He's onto me! Act normal!

“It's an…invisible drink!” I blurted out.

You are an idiot.

"An invisible drink?" said Marcus, with that condescending tone for insane people, “right."

“Don't talk to me like I'm hysterical, Jim- Marcus!" I yelled.

"What did you call me?” asked Marcus.

No!!!!!!!!

"I called you by your name, Marcus.” I bleated.

"You're being weird.” said Marcus "You're being more jittery than usual, you're drooling, you almost called me Jimmy, what are you hiding?”

"Um…look! Patients!" I blurted, before running off.

I opened the door to the medical equipment cupboard and tried to breathe to calm myself down.

I'm fine! I'm totally fine! I just need to do a normal amount of work at a reasonable speed.

“Do you know what would be fun at a reasonable speed?” asked my inner voice.

Don't you dare…

My brain generated a picture of me and Jimmy on one of those swan boats you see in Rom-coms, making out .

“AAAAAAAH!" I screamed “GET OUT OF MY HEAD, SEXUAL FANTASIES!!!!!"

Marcus opened the door, an alarmed expression on his face.

“I think you need a break to sort yourself out." Said Marcus.

“Yeah, that would be wise." I squeaked.

The door opened and…of course. Of course he would walk in here!

“Hey," said Jimmy “I’ve been looking for my book. Have you seen it?"

Damn it! I have it! I have to get rid of it so I won't get in trouble.

“Um…no…” I lied "I think Bradley has it.”

"Okay.” said Jimmy, walking over to my fridge.

Once Jimmy rummaged around for some food, my stupid mind began playing up again, I started seeing Jimmy as the sexiest man to ever exist.

Jimmy looked at me with those gorgeous eyes, that majestic brown hair and said in his smooth voice “How old is this milk?"

Okay, I think my brain is releasing so much dopamine I'm starting to think the least sexiest things would come out of Brad Pitt.

I need a lie down.

Log 11: I guess it's my turn to write now, is it?

I'm not much of a writer myself, but everyone seems to be writing in Jimmy's diary so, eh. Nothing left to lose.

Anywho, I'm Swansea Hotard. Engineer on the Tulpar. Not a mechanic. Get it right, Jimbo.

So, Daisuke explained why he's on this clunky ship in the first place. Why not me?

Back in my day, I used to be quite the gambler. They used to call me “Big Swan the Swiper." I used to be king of the casino. That was when Jeff “The dagger" Fecalman came along, and I lost most of my money.

I didn't want my wife to know that I was wasting my money on chips, so I told her I lost my job.

The loan sharks were on my ass all the time, so I decided to get away by becoming an engineer.

So far, everyone’s been alright. But Daisuke. He's young. He's plucky. He's not ready for the real world. So I make sure that Daisuke is toughened up before we head back to earth.

Anyway, I went to Daisuke’s quarters and saw him playing on his phone.

“Oh, hey, Crankypants!” exclaimed Daisuke “What's up?"

“Daisuke," I said “You’re the chief of the cargo crew now! That job requires a lot of responsibility. So maybe get off your phone and help them."

“Let me think…" pondered Daisuke, “Nah."

“Respect your elders, tyke." I said.

“Okay, boomer." Daisuke sighed.

I pulled Daisuke up by his pink Hawaiian shirt.

"Hey! Brew!” laughed Daisuke "Not so hard!”

"Come on, shift your butt.” I said, moving him along.

I heard a crash off in the distance.

"Ummm…what was that?" asked Daisuke.

“Get behind me, kid." I ordered.

Me and Daisuke made our way towards the noise, staying behind the walls in case it was aggressive.

I looked across the hall, I saw a hideous creature on the ship. It was a pale shark headed monstrosity, it had four legs, but the two at the front moved in quick succession while the back hung limply.

“How did a monster get on the ship?" I demanded.

“I don't know, Min." explained Daisuke “we haven't even gone on an expedition yet!"

"Hmm…” I murmured, I began analysing the creature from its movements. Its erratic gestures showed me that this creature is highly aggressive, its continuation to make loud noises suggested to me that it has no recollection of any low volume of sound, it must be deaf, however, its eyes aren't injured or dirty in any way shape or form. What it makes up for in its lack of hearing is its perfect eyesight.

“Okay, Daisuke." I explained “Stay behind the walls. If you hear thumping, don't turn around. Don't go into its line of sight."

“Yes, sir." Said Daisuke.

Me and the kid began moving with knees bent to avoid the creature’s stare.

“Dude, my knees hurt,” said Daisuke. “I need to stand up."

“Stay strong, Daisuke." I hissed “Ignore the pain, you're a…can't believe I'm saying this. Ultimate Sigma Rizzler Male.”

My tongue felt tainted.

“I am  the Ultimate Sigma Rizzler Male." Daisuke muttered “I can do this."

We preserved, ignoring the pain in our knees. The creature began sniffing the air, trying to track our scent.

“It's smelling us, brew." said Daisuke “we don't smell right?"

“I was trying to fix the reactor before I got this book," I murmured “I reek of oil."

“What?!" hissed Daisuke “Dude, We're gonna get caught!”

"Well, I didn't know an aggressive deaf monster was going to get on the ship, did I?” I argued.

The monster looked right at us.

“Daisuke, it can see us." I said, out of the corner of my mouth “Now might be a good time to run."

“I was thinking the same thing, brew." replied Daisuke, also out the corner of his mouth.

We both ran away, the monster pursuing us.

“Keep going Daisuke!" I yelled “Don't stop for a second!"

“Wasn't planning to, min!" called Daisuke “I wanna live!!!"

We headed towards a metal sliding door, Daisuke began pressing the open button repeatedly.

The doors opened and we quickly ducked through.

“Close it now!" I cried.

The monster dove towards the door, but to avail. The monster’s top half landed on the floor.

“Oh, crumble my crepes.” panted Daisuke “That was a close one."

“While we're on the topic, how did it get on?" I asked.

“Maybe we should look at that green trail on the floor." Said Daisuke.

We followed the trail until we found…a Pando plant.

It looked remotely the same, except…one of the pods had a large gaping hole.

“That plant…” muttered Daisuke, "Why is it pulsating?”

"It looks like something ate the Pando plant.” I said "Or…"

“Something came out of it…” finished Daisuke "Swansea?”

"Yeah?” I asked.

"Do…does Pando give birth to these monsters..?”

Log 12: My life in a Medbay

Hello, sorry about my writing, I have no access to my arms, so I'm having to write with my teeth. The only reason why it looks this good is because Jimmy edited my log.

So, my name is Captain Orion Carling. People call me Curly. But to be honest, I don't know what's real anymore.

I used to be so positive, I used to make great speeches, now look at me. I'm more dead weight than a captain.

As I lay on my bed, contemplating my existence, I began to think…Lawrence…Oh Lawrence…we could have had a life together. I just needed enough money to buy the ring I needed, now look where it got me. Why couldn't I just get a normal job like a barkeeper, or an accountant? Why this? I don't think he would even recognise me anymore. Not when I'm one step to death’s door!

I was trying to watch my program on the television until it turned to static and the all too familiar jingle began to play.

“What do you want?" I growled.

"Hey there, Curly!” exclaimed Polle "Don't mind me, I'm just trying to talk to you about your…behaviour on this ship.”

“Is this about Ned?" I demanded. “Because if it is I'm not hiring him back."

Polle looked at me with that condescending stare in his pie cut eyes.

“But, Curly…” drawled Polle "The crew is incomplete now. We were a happy family, then you decided to let one of the members go. It's very selfish, Curly. It's very selfish. ”

"Don't try to guilt trip me, Looney Toon.” I snarled, “I made up my mind, Ned is not coming in."

“But what would Lawrence think?" Polle asked.

"Don't you dare bring Lawrence into this.” I hissed.

" ANSWER MY QUESTION .” said Polle, his voice becoming distorted, his appearance briefly shifting to a real horse "What would Lawrence think?”

"He would think he should go.” I replied, "He knows what people are like, and he knows Ned is full of crap.”

“ WRONG ANSWER, BUCKO! " yelled Polle, his voice distorted again “ HE WOULD LET HIM BACK ON BECAUSE NO ONE LEAVES A MEMBER OF THEIR CREW BEHIND! ”

“You have no idea what Lawrence is like!” I bellowed.

"Hire him back.” Said Polle.

"No.” I replied.

"Your choice.” Spat Polle “Captain."

The lights began to flicker and the bulbs exploded.

The power went out, all I could hear was Polle's obnoxious laughter.

I hauled myself out of bed and into my wheelchair, I rolled down the corridor to fetch the lightbulbs.

“Curly, you're in no state to replace all those lightbulbs!" Polle's voice echoed down the corridor “Just hire Ned back and all of this can be a pleasant memory!"

“How are you talking?" I demanded “The power’s out!"

“Because I'm in here with you, silly goose!" replied Polle.

I heard a scuttling sound behind me, I fetched a torch and an axe, I moved forward trembling.

I shone my torch, I saw a long white body with thousands of legs move down the corridor.

“What the…” I muttered.

“Look behind you, Captain Sillypants!" called Polle.

I slowly moved my body, shining my torch at what was behind me.

It was the centipede creature from before, its long body snaking around my chair, its head. Its head was a horse. A white distorted horse.

“So," said the creature, “want to rehire Ned?"

I implanted the axe in the creature's head.

"Is that any way to treat your boss?!” Roared the creature.

I began rolling down the corridor, the horsipede behind me, I needed to get away from this thing.

“Curly!" called The horsipede “You have to make a decision, pal! Hire him back or you'll lose your job in a different way!”

“Go to hell!" I yelled.

I went into the Pando room, the creature following behind.

“I'll give you this if you leave me alone!" I cried.

“Good bribe, Curly." said The creature “I will take the Pando plant for it is a part of our corporate life! See you in the morning, Curly!”

The monster left, the lights turned on and I just sat there. What was that thing? Why did it sound like Polle?

Something fishy was going on in the Pony Express.

Log 13: Performing Curly's get well soon show even though I should be watching my programs

Alright, now that you've experienced the crew vent out their feelings into my book like it's some kind of paper therapist, it's time to come back to me.

Anyway, I was watching a good episode of House MD  (I really relate to the main character) until Swansea opened the door.

“It's time," said Swansea.

"No…” I muttered. I made a deal with Swansea that one day we would sing a get well soon song for Curly. I was joking. I wasn't expecting him to hold up his end of the deal.

"Start practicing, big boy." murmured Swansea.

“Don't call me Big boy!" I yelled.

“Okay, big baby." replied Swansea.

Me and Swansea went down the corridor and met up with the rest of the crew.

“Well, Jimmy." said Anya “You ready?"

“No.” I replied. "I would rather watch House than do this.”

“Well, I got the lyrics!" exclaimed Daisuke.

“Ooh, can I see them?" I asked.

“Sure!" said Daisuke, handing it to me.

I ripped the paper.

“Don't worry, Brew!" said Daisuke “I got copies!"

Damn, he got those locked and loaded.

"Let's do this,” said Anya.

Daisuke kicked open the door.

"What the..?!” yelled Curly.

"Curly…Curly…Curly…Curly…" sang four members of the crew, barbershop style.

“Get well…Get well…Get well…Get well…” Continued the other half.

"Soooon.” We all sang.

Curly looked confused.

"Ba BA BA.” said Swansea.

"So, you got a boo boo, a cut or just a scratch.” sang Anya.

"Or a reactor lit you up just like a match.” I continued.

“This may seem scary, but we’ll get you back to Larry." sang Swansea.

“And you'll have a gay ol' time!" We all finished.

“And that word can be used in both instances." I said.

“Don’t worry, Curly. We'll be here to assist," sang Marcus.

“Even if you're close to death, and your skin looks like a crisp." Finished Bradley.

"Don't fear, Orion Carling, we’ll help you out here, darling." We all sang “and get you on your feet!"

Curly began repeatedly pressing the “help" button on the side of his bed.

“Yew," rapped Daisuke. “This must suck for you, Brew. Just sitting in that Medbay all alone, Well I'm here for you, and so is the crew some come on, Curly, get well SoOnNnNnN!”

He tried to do an auto tune impression. He absolutely butchered it.

“Curly we hope that you, from Polle and the crew, get well soooon!" We finished.

"SoOnNnNnN, oh yeah!” Daisuke warbled.

"What did you think?” I asked.

Curly answered my question with an ear splitting scream.

“Good to know." I replied.

"Look, he's screaming with joy!” said Daisuke.

Curly threw a pillow at Daisuke's head.

"I think it's best that we leave.” explained Anya.

“Me too.” I replied.

Me and Anya entered my Pilot's cabin.

"Did you hear his auto tune impression?” asked Anya.

"Yeah, that was egregious." I said “And it ended with Curly hurling a pillow at him!”

Anya’s face lightened. "Wait. He hurled a pillow at him."

“His arm is getting stronger." I murmured.

“He's getting better!" We both exclaimed.

We both kissed each other.

“Victory sex?" I asked.

“Don't mind if I do." said Anya.

Log 14: Curly retakes his first steps

I walked into the Medbay to tell Curly the good news.

"Hey Curly!” I said. "You're getting better!”

"I…I am?” asked Curly.

"Yeah!” I explained "You threw a pillow at Daisuke's head!”

"Hm.” pondered Curly "Maybe I am getting better. But I need to prove it.”

"Prove it?” I asked.

"Dispose of my wheelchair.” ordered Curly.

"What?!” I yelled "But-But you need it!”

"Just do it.” demanded Curly.

"Okay…your loss.” I said, I moved his wheelchair into the boarded off reactor room.

"Now,” said Curly. "Watch this.”

Curly slipped his feet into his big brown boots.

“Holy hell…” I murmured "da boots.”

Curly grabbed the sides of his bed and shakily began to haul himself up.

This was terrifying.

"Anya." I hissed, into my walkie talkie “Anya. Help me out here."

Curly stood up and began to unravel the bandages around his body.

“Stop!" I yelled “You don't know what you're doing!"

Curly placed one foot forward and pulled himself towards his cupboard.

“Oh…” I muttered "balls.”

Curly continued his weird walk until it began to evolve into a normal walk.

"Oh. My. God.” I said in slow motion.

"I'm here!” cried Anya "What's the- oh my goodness.”

Curly continued walking to the cupboard.

"He's gonna do it!” I cried.

Curly grasped the door handle, he turned it and stepped inside.

"What's he doing?” Anya asked.

"I don't know!” I said "he's gone nuts!”

Curly's hospital gown flew out of the wardrobe.

The door slowly opened and walking out in his captain uniform was…

“Curly!" I cried.

Curly did a salute of victory.

“Jimmy," said Curly, “I want to go on a mission."

"You’re a captain!” I cried "How are you going to go on a mission and watch the ship at the same time?”

"I already solved that problem.” said Curly. "I told Swansea my idea and he's already finished it.”

"Finished what?” I asked.

"Follow me,” said Curly.

Log 15: Pony Express’ first annual planetary road trip

I followed Curly to Swansea’s quarters.

Curly opened the door and Swansea showed us inside.

"Hey there folks!” said Swansea "I've been working hard creating Curly's vision of the future!”

"Alright,” I asked, "What is it?”

"Why Jimmy, it's automatic." began Swansea.

Swansea began to unbutton his jacket.

“Systematic." He began to do it more.

“Hydromatic!" He almost took it off.

“Stop!" I yelled “I don't want to see your old man arms!"

“Okay." said Swansea “It's the Company Cruiser!"

A large yellow delivery truck with the Pony Express logo printed on the side came down from the ceiling attached to a giant magnet.

The truck landed near Swansea’s feet.

“Woah…” I said "I want to get drunk inside this thing."

A TV turned on and the familiar tinkley music came out.

“Hello fellow crew mates!" exclaimed Polle, he had a cartoony band aid on the bridge of his nose. “I'm just popping in to-"

He took one look at the Company Cruiser, his cartoony eyes darkened.

“Curly…” drawled Polle "Sweetheart, dear boy… What the (bleep) is that?"

"It's the Company Cruiser.” said Curly "It's an idea I came up with.”

Polle’s face looked as if someone had insulted his mother.

"You. Did this?” Polle spat "You decided to break company guidelines? I expected Jimmy to do it but you? I'm disappointed.”

“Come on, stickler!" said Daisuke “We're gonna do zoomies! It’ll be fun!"

“ WORK ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. " growled Polle, his voice strangely distorted “It's supposed to get you paid."

“Suck it, Mini Whinny!" I yelled.

“Listen to me you little (bleep)." hissed Polle “I want this eyesore out of here, now. Do it or YOU’RE FIRED. ”

Polle glitched away.

“So, guys." said Curly “What now?"

“Screw him!" I yelled “Road trip, baby!"

We arrived at a planet, unloaded the cruiser and sped off.

“Hell yeah!!!" I cried, speeding down the planet.

"This is tots awesome!” yelled Daisuke.

Curly pressed a button on the side of the dashboard. A large metal tube appeared out of the side of the van.

“Watch this!" hollered Curly.

The tube began sucking the Pando into the back of the van.

“This is so much easier!" I bellowed.

The blind thing from Log 3 jumped into our path, but I didn't care. I accelerated and crushed the creature beneath my wheels.

All of the crew was laughing hysterically as we sucked up Pando and hit'n'ran monsters.

“This is actually fun!" cried Anya.

Outside, a giant yellow satellite with the logo on its side turned itself towards the cruiser.

The sat nav glitched out, and a tinkley tune came out.

Polle's face appeared on the screen.

“What you are doing is so  against company guidelines!" scolded Polle “Return this abomination before I take drastic measures.”

"No!” I yelled "Screw off!”

"Very well then.” muttered Polle "Have it your way.”

The steering wheel jerked to the right without me touching it.

"Jimmy,” said Curly, "what are you doing? Turn around!"

“I'm…I'm not doing it." I spluttered “it's that horse!"

I gripped the wheel, fighting for control.

“Stop doing that, you long faced killjoy!” I strained.

I accelerated with all my might.

“Take that, BoJack!" I cried.

I swerved into the side of the Tulpar.

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?” demanded Polle.

"Screw you.” I growled.

"Now, come on, children.” said Polle, "Get back to your job.”

"Make us!” yelled Daisuke.

The roof opened and my seat jolted…up.

“Why did you build this truck with ejector seats?!" I cried.

“In case of emergencies!" bellowed Swansea.

We landed back inside the Tulpar.

“Now that you're all inside the ship," chirped Polle “You can all count your Pando and whistle while you work!"

“Bullshit." I muttered, disguising it as a cough.

“Have fun, you lot!” said Polle "And have a polltastic day!”

Polle's face disappeared.

"Have a polltastic day!” I mocked "phooey."

“Chin up, Jimmy." comforted Anya "We’ll take the cruiser out next time."

I smiled, she was so optimistic. That's one of the things I liked about her.

“While we're on the topic of Pando." said Swansea “There's something I want to show you."

Swansea led the crew down into the Pando room.

He indicated a singular Pando plant.

“What's wrong with it?" I asked, “it's just a normal Pando plant."

“Look at the pod." Swansea explained.

I looked closely at the plant, gloves on so I don't get electrocuted. I saw what he was talking about. One of the pods had a hole. A large cavernous hole.

“What..?" I asked.

“Yeah." Said Swansea “we need to report this to Phineas."

Log 16: Trying to squeeze information out of Phineas

I headed down to the research facility, I banged on the door.

“Ah, James," said Phineas. “It appears you have come all this way to see me."

“Yeah, yeah." I moved on. “What's this?"

I moved the pulsating Pando Plant, right up to his face.

“That's a Pando plant." dismissed Phineas.

"Look closer.” I said "What is that?”

"Still a Pando plant.” Ignored Phineas.

"Look at the massive bloody hole!” I yelled "Why is it there?!”

"I have no idea what you are talking about.” said Phineas, obviously sweating.

“Don't lie to me, Brain box." I growled “You know something is going on with those Pando plants!"

“There is nothing wrong with the Pando plants." replied Phineas “You are obviously mistaken."

“Look me in the eye and tell me, what's wrong with Pando?" I demanded.

"There's nothing wrong with the Pando.” Phineas squeaked.

"I'm scanning this through the machine.” I said.

I walked towards the machine before Phineas blocked my path.

"Let me through.” I growled.

"I can't let you do this.” said Phineas "Not that there’s anything wrong with the Pando.”

"If there's nothing wrong with the Pando,” I hissed, "Then why won't you let me through to the damn machine?”

"It's…broken," said Phineas.

“Let me see if it is." I replied.

“It…will…explode if you turn it on." stammered Phineas.

I pushed past the idiot, and placed the Pando into the machine.

Phineas rugby tackled me to the ground.

“Get off me, moron!" I weezed.

“I can't let you put it in." Phineas explained "you won't like this.”

I managed to headbutt the mad scientist off me and turned on the scanner.

The screen turned on.

"Hirudines Cogitationis Gravidae, also known as Pando, is a well known breeder on many planets. " Read the screen “ Pando procreates by draining any life forms ability to think in quick succession, hence why it can give birth to many different creatures created by negative faults. "

“Oh my goodness." I muttered “We've been collecting these. We've been collecting pregnant thought leeches.”

Phineas pulled out a firearm and pointed it at me.

“Delete that research." hissed Phineas.

“No," I replied, “Why don't you tell people the truth?"

“Because sometimes when you want to keep your job you have to lie." said Phineas “So you have to lie to keep your life."

"I know what I saw.” I stated “You can't expect me to lie about the truth of this company."

“You saw nothing!" barked Phineas “Forgot everything you saw, or I'll make you forget!"

I raised up my arms.

“Alright," I replied “If you keep running away from the truth, that just makes you a coward. If you want to shoot me because I found out about the horse’s little scheme. Then fine. Go right ahead. I'm still going to tell people.”

“I didn't want to do this.” said Phineas “but you forced my freaking hand!"

Then Daisuke had to enter the room at the wrong time. He saw me being held at gunpoint. He was a kid. He watched too many action movies. I think you know what he was about to do.

“Noooooo!" cried Daisuke, diving in front of me.

I heard the bang, then the ring and the thump.

"Daisuke…" I whispered.

Phineas dropped his gun, screamed in outrage and ran.

“No…” I whimpered “First Curly, and now you? This crew is dropping like flies!”

I slowly bent down to close Daisuke's eyelids, he slapped my hand away.

“Get your filthy fingers off my eyes, min!" yelled Daisuke.

"How are you alive?!” I asked “he shot you! I saw blood!"

“I was planning to eat one of the ship's hotdogs.” replied Daisuke “and I stashed one of the ketchup bottles to put on it. No condiments today, I guess."

A ketchup bottle. A freaking ketchup bottle saved his life. It's so him.

“I’ll see you later, brew.” said Daisuke "Gotta meet the quota.”

After Daisuke left the room, I began to think. My entire job was collecting electric plant-like thought breeders. This needed to stop. I had to speak to the big boss himself.

Mr. Blaine Rothschild.

Log 17: Chatting to my girlfriend about Pando

I made my way to Medbay, and I needed to talk to Anya.

I knocked on the door. I expected Anya to answer it, but it was her boss. Dr. Fade.

I didn't really like Dr. Fade. She always acted like she was up her own ass.

“Yes?" demanded Fade.

"Hello, Fiona.” I sighed “Can I talk to Anya?"

“You're the boyfriend, aren't you?" Fade barked "You’ve been the one who's been distracting Anya from her work. So, no, I'm not going to let you in. You're too much of a diversion for Anya.”

Anya appeared at the door, "What's going on?” she asked.

"This ruffian wants to talk to you.” replied Fade.

“That's my boyfriend, Fiona." Anya explained, “Don't call him a ruffian."

"I can call him what I like.” Fade retorted "and he's trying to distract you from your work.”

"I'm on my break, Fiona.” Anya revealed.

Fade turned towards me.

"Come on in.” She hissed.

I entered Medbay and sat down with Anya.

“So, what's up?" asked Anya.

“I found out something wrong about Pando." I explained, “It's a thought leech that births monsters."

Anya laughed, “Jimmy, you really know how to crack me up!"

She looked at my face.

“Oh…" said Anya “you're serious."

“Yeah," I replied “and now I need to find out why. Meaning I have to ask Rothschild why he's doing this.”

"No one has ever seen Mr. Rothschild.” Anya explained "there's no way of getting to him without becoming exhausted, well except…” she paused "The Vent.”

Lightning played after she said “the vent."

“The vent?" I asked.

The lightning struck again.

“The Vent." she replied, the lighting sound played again.

“How is there lightning in space?" I asked.

“I have no idea." Anya replied.

“Besides, why are we making a vent so dramatic?” I pondered “it's a vent.”

“The vent is very dangerous," said Anya. “It’s full of jagged metal, exposed wire, and sharp debris. Marcus almost got stabbed through the leg when it was open for maintenance, and Daisuke triggered the emergency foam  trying to fix it.”

"And that's the only way to get to him?” I asked.

“Yes," said Anya.

"My goodness.” I replied, "That's one hell of a journey.”

Curly entered the room.

"Guys, we might have a problem here,” said Curly.

"What now?” I asked.

Curly led me and Anya through the hallway, and straight to the suddenly open doors of the airlock.

"The airlock?” questioned Anya "that means…oh no."

A figure in a yellow spacesuit with the logo printed on it walked towards us.

"You…" I growled.

The figure took off his helmet.

“It's been a while, huh?" snarled Ned.

Log 18: The distraction that started my mission

I couldn't believe my eyes. Why? Why was he back?

“What are you doing here?” I snarled, “You got fired.”

“After spending years outside the ship,” explained Ned “Polle decided that in order to get the crew back together, he’d let me back in, so shall we look for pando like old times?”

“You made the crew’s lives hell.” I said “there is no way we're going to accept you.”

“If you don't, you're an idiot.” Ned growled.

“It takes one to know one.” I replied.

“Jimmy, you just called yourself an idiot.” Curly explained.

“Oh,” I said, “scratch that.”

“Well,” Daisuke exclaimed “I have your job. So if you want it back, you gotta work for me !”

Ned didn't like that.

“Right!” Ned screamed, he knocked Daisuke to the floor.

The rest of the crew rushed to Daisuke’s aid, then a thought came to mind. While all of them were distracted, I could make my way to the vent. So I tiptoed my way past the crowd and made a run for it.

“Hey, where's he going?” asked Curly.

Swansea looked in the direction I was going.

“He's…” stammered Swansea “He’s heading to the vent, he's heading to the freaking vent!”

I ran down the corridor, not even bothering to look back.

I could hear the rest of the crew pursuing me, but I didn't care. I was a man on a mission.

I saw the grid on the floor, I took out my screwdriver and began unscrewing the vent.

Someone grabbed my shoulder, I thought it was Ned so I raised up my fist to punch him. I turned around to take my first strike…I lowered my hand. It was Anya who grabbed me.

“Don't do this…” Anya whispered “You're going to kill yourself.”

“Now this is going to sound cheesy as hell.” I replied “But If I die, I want you to know I love you.”

I removed the grid, kissed Anya and jumped into the vent.

“Jimmy!” screamed Anya.

“He's gonna die.” said Swansea “That mad fool is going to die.”

Log 19: Crawling through a lethal vent

I landed inside the metal tube that was the vent. I knew that once I started there's no coming back.

“Alright.” I murmured “let's do this…”

I crawled forward, trying my best to avoid the debris.

“Anya wasn't kidding when she said this vent was dangerous.” I muttered.

I continued, a strange smell entering my nostrils.

My eyes began to flicker, and I saw Curly's face, it was warping between his pre reactor and post reactor face.

“Jimmy…” said Curly, his voice distorted. “You have provided nothing for this company, you've been too much of a bitch… you're going to die alone…”

“Curly,” I panted, “whatever this is better not be a prank.”

“It is no prank, git.” replied Curly “because YOU my precious little git boy, are tripping balls…”

I crawled through the Curly head like he was made of steam, I continued crawling, ignoring the wires slapping into my face.

The vent seemed to stretch in front of me, as if the exit was getting further and further away.

My eyes continued to flicker, distorted faces of my crew members appeared in front of me. The vent began to look like a kaleidoscope.

“Jimmy ruins everything!” the faces chanted, repeatedly.

“Stop talking, all of you!” I slurred.

“Poor little Jimmy,” taunted Swansea “Always playing the victim, everyone thinks he's worthless, even his own parents!”

“Even when people try to be nice to you,” snarled Daisuke, “you just push them away! What a loser!”

“I'm not a loser!” I groaned.

“You're a friendless loser who deserves to die!” All of the faces yelled

The sound of a distorted neigh from a horse rang in my ears, the “losers” and the horse sounds began to mix together until all I could hear was a collection of noises mixing in my head.

I wanted to tear my ears off.

I continued, I wanted to vomit, but I preserved.

I saw a silhouette behind me. I tried to back away, scratching myself on the metal and the debris.

“Jimmy,” said the figure, “I'm not going to harm you. I could hear you struggling in the shaft.”

I recognised the voice, I knew that voice. It was embedded in my brain.

“A-Anya?” I asked.

“It's me.” replied Anya, “I think you found the gas.”

“You don't think I should die alone, do you?” I questioned.

“No,” Anya exclaimed “You will never die alone, because if you do die, I'll be here to hold your hand.”

I fell into Anya’s embrace, her hair brushing my face.

“Stop the world.” I said “I want to get off.”

The vent creaked.

“I don't think this vent is built for two people.” Anya whispered.

“Oh bollocks.” I whispered back.

The vent slanted, we both began to slide.

“We're gonna die!” cried Anya.

“I can agree with you!” I replied.

I fell to the hard floor, Anya landing on top of me.

“Are you alright?” Anya asked.

“Been better.” I answer “Now where are we?”

The room we were in was filled to the brim with TV screens, Polle merchandise and statues.

“I think I'm starting to realise where I am.” I acknowledged.

The middle TV turned on.

“Oh my golly gumdrops!” exclaimed Polle “Who knew my favourite employees would come to visit me in my humble abode?”

“Polle,” I growled, “don't bother me. I'm trying to find Rothschild, I have to talk to him!”

“Jimmy,” said Polle, “you climbed all this way, you made all this progress, all to speak to little ol' me!”

“I'm not here to talk to you!” I yelled “I'm here to talk to Roth-” I stopped. It began to make sense. The vent led all this way to Rothschild. Polle was in this room.

“You're Mr. Rothschild, aren't you?” I inquired.

Polle grinned.

“Ooh hoo hoo!” laughed Polle “Gee wilikers, you're a clever old coot!”

The TVs began to spin around me and Anya, Polle appearing in each one.

“You said you wanted to talk to me, Jimmy?” Polle demanded. “Okay then, old man. Let's… chat .”

Log 20: The moment in my day when everything went wrong

I looked up at my boss, now knowing he was no human, he was a computer.

“So, Jimmy.” said Polle, “I hear you've discovered the truth.”

“How did you know that?” I demanded.

“Jimmy, not only am I your mascot and boss,” replied Polle “I am also your ship . I hear everything.“

“Even me and Anya’s victory sex?" I asked.

Polle shuddered. “Sometimes I don't understand you people."

“We're getting off topic," I insisted, “why are you doing this?"

“It's why people do most things, tired eyes," replied Polle “money."

“You're purposely killing people for money?!" I yelled.

“People will believe anything if it's behind velvet rope.” Polle explained “If I tell them Pando is safe, they’ll believe it. If I tell people one of the reactors was faulty, they'll believe it. If I tell people that my employees would actually come back to earth, they would believe it. Because the truth is what I make it.”

“Wait, the reactor was faulty.” I responded.

“About that…” Polle smirked “Remember how you had the complete audacity to not say hello to me? Well, I decided I was going to set a surprise for you! The reactor was going to blow up, and I changed the settings so only I could change it! It was supposed to be for you, but then Curly here decided to be a hero and try to detonate it himself. It was designed to cause tension between the crew so the Pando would be able to procreate more, because I know this crew does like you. But now Curly's been blown up…”

Polle grinned a wicked grin.

“The Pandorian population has skyrocketed. ”

I stood there, I understand now, it's his fault. It's all that stupid pony’s fault.

I grabbed the head of the Polle Statue and ripped it off.

I used the head and hit the TV off the wall, I hit the screen with the head, over and over again.

“You equestrian bastard!” I screamed “You're the whole reason why this crew is falling apart! All because I didn't say hello to you?! Okay then! Hello! Hello, you piece of crap! Hello! HELLO!!!!”

The screen was completely mangled.

I panted after what I did.

“Are you done?” asked Polle, from the TV from behind me.

“As I was saying before you had your little temper tantrum, the negativity that has radiated from this crew has really caused the Pando plants to be mating like crazy. You were supposed to stay here for 382 days. Turns out you're staying a little bit longer. It's birthing season and I'm leaving you all for dead. Goodbye, Jimmy. Turns out you will remain a pleasant memory to the people of earth.”

I looked around and saw many boxes of Pando. The Pando began to vibrate, I was beginning to fear for my life.

“Run!” bellowed Anya, heading out of the nearby door.

I followed her, seeing green goo hit the door.

The doors burst open and a tidal wave of monsters swept through.

“We need to warn the crew!” yelled Anya.

“You don't have to tell me twice! ” I called.

A thought came to mind, Polle can control technology. When we were ploughing through monsters he hijacked the cruiser with a satellite. Meaning his source of power comes from that satellite.

I now knew what I had to do. It was the stupidest idea I ever thought of, but it might work. I had to do this. I had to fix it all.

I have to crash the ship.

Log 21: One small step for man, one giant leap to get us out of this mess

Me and Anya reunited with the rest of the crew.

“I'm back!” I said.

Swansea grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me close to his face.

“What the hell were you even thinking?!” hissed Swansea “You could have died! You're lucky you're still alive!”

“Well, we have a bigger problem on our hands!” I explained “The ship is filled to the brim with monsters and our boss just ditched us!”

“What?” cried Daisuke “He ditched us? Dude, I want to go home! I miss my house, I miss my friends, I-I miss my mum.”

“I know you do.” answered Swansea “I miss my kids. All of us miss our families, and they all miss us. But we're gonna get through this.”

“How do you know that?” asked Daisuke “You're not my dad.”

“No, I'm not.” replied Swansea “But you're like a son to me.”

“Guys…” said Curly “Incoming!”

The doors broke down, and all of the abominations flooded into the ship.

We all started running, the creatures following us.

“Don't worry!” I ordered “I have a plan, but you all need to get into the cryopods!”

“And what is your genius plan, el capitano?” demanded Swansea.

I took a deep breath.

“I'm going to crash the ship.” I replied.

Curly’s jaw dropped.

“What?!” he cried.

“Jimmy,” Anya begged, “Please don't do this. We are all going to die.”

“What do you think the cryopods are for?” I asked. “You'll be protected by the pods and survive the impact.”

We all headed into the utility room, and went straight for the cryopods at the back of the room.

“You are not getting me into that pod.” sneered Ned “Any ideas from you are doomed to fail.”

“Ned, you have one or two options.” I commanded “be alive, or be a smug asshole. What is it going to be?”

“I'm going to kill those monsters!” yelled Ned, and ran out of the room. I heard a scream and then silence. That was the last time I ever heard from Ned.

“Are you sure about this, min?” asked Daisuke “I don't think we're gonna make it! I didn't want this at all! I wanted to prank my mum, not all this! I want my bed, brew.”

“It's alright, Daisuke, calm down.” Swansea comforted “In this line of work, You could never become like miserable ol' Swansea. What a tragedy. Decades of hauling ass for Pony Express, big mighty bruiser with all his shiny tools. This is where it got me. The good life, huh? When I first met you I thought you were dumber than a can of paint, always just chewing my ear off about nothing. A useless ray of damn sunshine. Not an ace student, career workhouse or force of ambition. Just a damn good kid trying his best. You could have taught an old fool like me a lot.”

“You mean that, crankypants?” asked Daisuke.

“Yeah.” replied Swansea, leading Daisuke to a cryopod.

Daisuke climbed inside.

“Close your eyes, Daisuke.” muttered Swansea.

Daisuke did what was instructed, and Swansea closed the door.

Swansea climbed into his own cryopod.

“You earned it.” finished Swansea, as the door closed on him.

Anya and Curly headed over to the other cryopods.

“Well, it was fun while it lasted.” said Curly “The coldness from the cryopod would have cooled my skin down. Like nothing changed at all.”

The cryopod closed.

Anya turned to me, she smiled.

“Well, Jimmy,” Anya whispered, “I guess this is goodbye. You know, you were the best thing that could ever happen to me. I travelled to space to get away from all of this romance. Now I've found love in space, and to be honest. Meeting you may have been the best decision I've ever made.”

Anya kissed my lips, and stepped into the cryopod.

The door shut.

I took a deep breath, and walked out of the room.

I made my way to the cockpit, sat down and grabbed the controls.

The TV turned on and Polle’s worried face appeared.

“I heard everything, Jimmy.” Polle quaked “what you are doing is suicide!”

“What I'm doing is trying to fix the mess you made.” I growled.

“If you kill me,” said Polle “you'll never be free.”

“You're wrong.” I replied “This is the way.”

Polle pressed his face to the screen.

“Jimmy!” he screamed “You were the worst employee I've ever worked with! I tried my very best to be nice to you, I've done all I can to make you part of this company! But you kept pushing, and pushing, and PUSHING, and NOW, it's all BROKEN!! Why do you ask so many questions? Why can't you just be a good worker and JUST LET THINGS BE?! ”

The ship moved towards the satellite.

I pulled the controls forward.

“Have a polltastic day, bitch.” I growled.

I slammed the middle button.

“Engaging hyperspeed.” announced the computer.

The ship did exactly what I wanted it to do. It impaled itself through the satellite. The windscreen shattered, the controls exploded, the ship snapped…

And I flew out into space.

Log 22: Inner peace

I floated in the vast blanket that was the galaxy, watching the remains of the ship fly by.

I saw an empty cryopod, so I kicked with all my might.

I wrenched the door open and pushed myself in.

I saw the other cryopods with all of my crew inside, it was strangely peaceful. It was like watching rounded whales.

Curly's pod flew over my head. He looked normal. As if Polle never blew up the reactor.

“Curly.” I said, through the glass “You might not be able to hear me right now, but I managed to free everyone. I crashed the ship, Polle’s gone, Pando’s gone. You don't have to worry anymore. Pony Express is dead, and I killed it. I fixed it for you for Anya for all the crew, I…fixed it… I am so proud to be your friend and co-pilot, thank you for everything.”

I ran out of pages in this book, so I briefly opened the door and let it go free.

That's how you found it. I bet you found my life on the Tulpar exciting, but pretty terrifying. I'm out there somewhere, floating in my little pod.

And I'm happier than I've ever been.

Thank you for reading.

I love you all, except Ned. He can go to hell.

Log ended.