The Nativity Story

Once upon a time there was a woman named Mary. She lived with her husband Joseph in a house made of sticks and straw in Nazareth!

One day Mary was minding her business when suddenly, a figure appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey there! I'm Angel Gabe!" said the figure

"Um...hello. I'm Mary! What are you doing in my house?" said Mary reasonably.

"Well...I'm here to tell you that you are going to be a mother!" said Gabriel.

"What?!" said Mary in startled surprise. "I can't have a child! I'm a virgin!"

"Well you do now!" said Gabriel "He is going to be called Jesus."

"Why can't I name my own child?" Asked Mary.

"Don't ask questions." said Gabriel "Jesus is going to have two dads and one mum."

"How does that work?" asked Mary also reasonably.

"Again. Don't ask questions." said Gabriel. "Well that's all. Bye!" Then he disappeared.

Joseph entered the room. "Hey honey." Said Joseph "what's up?"

"Joseph." said Mary "You are now a father."

"What the heck?!" said Joseph "I thought you were a virgin!"

"That is what I tried to tell that stupid angel but he wouldn't listen to me!"

"What angel?" asked Joseph reasonably.

"An angel broke into my house, told me I was going to the mother of a child called Jesus, and then left!" said Mary.

"Well. Sounds like something that would happen on a Monday." said Joseph "come on. I know a place where you can give birth in luxury."

So, Mary and Joseph jumped on the donkey mobile and rode off to Bethlehem.

Meanwhile in a castle bigger than the Taj Mahal sat King Herod - the king of the Jews and the biggest jerk you could ever meet.

A servant of Herod walked into the throne room.

"Your majesty- "said the servant before being rudely interrupted by Herod.

"What do you want?!" asked Herod "can't you see I'm busy being force fed grapes?"

"I want to tell you something." said the servant.

"Well make it quick! "said Herod "I don't want to see your ugly face for any longer that I have to!"

"A new king is going to be born, Your Majesty." Said the servant. "His name is going to be Jesus and he will be the son of god himself!"

When the servant said that King Herod's face turned the colour of an aubergine.

"WHAT?!!!!!" yelled Herod "SOMEONE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN MEEEEE?IIII"

"Your majesty... what are you going to do?" asked the servant

"WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!!!" asked Herod. "I'M GONNA KILL HIM WHILE HE IS STILL AN INFANT! THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO!!! THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO TRY TO TAKE MY SPOTLIGHT!!!!

Back to Mary and Joseph. After they arrived in Bethlehem they needed a place to stay if Mary was going to give birth. So they arrived at an inn.

"Welcome to the inn!" said the first innkeeper

"Hey there! I'm Joseph and this is my newly pregnant virgin wife Mary! Can we come in?" said Joseph.

"Goodbye." said the first innkeeper

"But-" said Joseph.

"I SAID GOODBYE!" said the first innkeeper before slamming the door in their faces.

"Rude." said Mary.

Next they went to the next inn.

"Go away." said the second innkeeper.

"But we need a place to stay!" said Joseph

"GO AWAY!!!!" said the second innkeeper.

"Also rude." said Mary.

Just when Mary and Joseph were about to swallow their pride they found another inn.

"What's up!" said the third innkeeper

"Hey there! I'm Joseph and this is my pregnant virgin wife Mary! Can we come Inn?"

"Nice pun mate! But I can't let you in, you'll scare my wife. But I can make an exception. Follow me."

So Mary and Joseph followed the third innkeeper towards the stable.

Meanwhile in a field stood two shepherds bored out of their wits by just looking at the same sheep.

"Oh my goodness I am sooo bored right now, Chip. Just looking at these sheep just makes me want to have mutton right now." said the first shepherd.

"Same Dale. Same." Said the second shepherd.

Then a figure appeared out nowhere

"Hey shepherds! My name is angel Gabe!" said Gabriel.

"Demon!" both cried the shepherds.

"Really?" said Gabriel. "As I was saying before you interrupted me. Jesus, the son of god and Joseph, is about to be born. He will be born in a stable."

"A stable?!" said the shepherds. "Really? Like really?! So low quality."

"Well that's what they're in so that's what you get!" said Gabriel. "Now follow me."

"Ok!" said the shepherds, "we will take the camel mobile!"

So the shepherds jumped on the camel mobile and followed Gabriel to the stable.

Back to Mary and Joseph, they had just walked into the stable.

"So..." said Mary "where is the hospital?"

"This is the hospital!" said the third innkeeper. "You are going to give birth in a stable!"

"Oh." Said Mary "Just a minute I have to have a word with my idiot husband."

Mary turned round and glared at Joseph.

"You said I was going to give birth in luxury Joseph." said Mary through gritted teeth.

"Well there seems to be a change of plans." said Joseph.

"A CHANGE OF PLANS?!" said Mary shrilly "I am not going to give birth with a bunch of animals watching me!"

"I'm sorry but this is our best bet." Said Joseph. "You need to give birth somewhere and this somewhere is a stable. It may be run down and smell like animal turds but let's pretend it's a hospital ok?"

"Ok." said Mary "But if I give birth to another child you are taking me to an actual hospital!"

Meanwhile walking out of King Herod's kingdom were Casper, Melchior and Balthazar. Three old men in fancy-boy robes who were also really clever.

"So it's a baby we are looking for, right?" said Casper.

"Yes Casper! If we don't find the baby King Herod will have another temper tantrum." said Melchior.

"So we need to do this right or we will be hearing the noise of a fire truck all day long." said Balthazar.

They continued walking until something appeared in the sky.

"Oi bruvs! I'm the star of Bethlehem!" said the star.

"Why are you talking? You're a starl" said Melchior.

"Nuh uh bruv. I can talk when I want to. Which is now!" said the star.

"Why have you come to see us, talking star?" said Balthazar.

"Well bruv. Jesus, the brat you are looking for, is about to be born." Said the star.

"Can you guide us to him?" said Casper.

"Wait a minute. You want guidance from a star that has just appeared?!" said the star "Some wise men you are!"

So the wise men followed the star to the stable.

Back to Mary and Joseph. Mary had just given birth to Jesus and now just discovered the shepherds and the wise men.

"Joseph, who the heck are these people?!" asked Mary.

"I don't know love." Said Joseph.

"Hil" said the first shepherd "I'm Chip and this is Dale! We have come to see your baby!"

"I don't know you people!" said Mary.

"Greetings. We are the three wise men. We have come to bear gifts to your child." said Casper.

"Ok. I hope these gifts come from Fisher Price." said Mary. "What are they?"

"Gold." said Casper.

"Gold?! said Mary. "What does he need gold for?!"

"Frankincense." said Melchior.

"Frankincense?!!" said Mary "None of these gifts come from Fisher Price!"

"And Myrrh." said Balthazar.

"MYRRH?!!!!" said Mary "He doesn't need this junk HE. IS. A. CHILD!!!!"

"Calm down dear." said Joseph.

"CALM DOWN?!" said Mary "I HAVE JUST GIVEN BIRTH AND COMPLETELY RANDOM STRANGERS ARE PESTERING MY CHILD!"

Suddenly a note flew through the stable's hole where the window should be.

"What's this?" said Joseph.

Joseph unfolded the note.

"Dear Joseph and Mary." Read Joseph "It seems like your baby is born congrats! We are coming round to the stable to kill it! Love from Herod xx."

"Joseph. Do you know what this means?" said Mary.

"They are going to kill it on the dance floor?" asked Joseph.

"No Joseph. THEY ARE GOING TO KILL OUR CHILD!" shrieked Mary.

"That was my second option." said Joseph.

"Joseph, we need to get out of here!" said Mary. "I don't want Herod and his nasty men touching our child!"

"Ok." Said Joseph "where do we go?"

"To Egypt!" said Mary "That way they will never find us!"

"Well it's a hell of a long way to go but alright." Said Joseph "To the donkey mobile!"

So they jumped on the donkey mobile and rode off just when Herod and his men arrived.

"What the-? "said Herod.

"So long suckers!" said Mary "You smell like dog butts!"

"What did she say?!" said Herod.

"She said you smell like dog butts." said one of Herod's men.

"I know what she said you idiot!" said Herod "I was asking a rhetorical question."

Back to Mary and Joseph, they were on the donkey mobile with Jesus in hand.

"Well Joseph, what do we do now?" asked Mary.

"Why don't we have a celebration all about our son's birth this December 25th?" asked Joseph.

"What's its name?" asked Mary.

"Well since our son's last name is Christ why don't we call it Christmas?"

"Good idea." said Mary.

That's why Christmas is so important because Jesus was born that day.

That's it. The end. Bye!